I have absolutely ignored all the boys in my life. Now, I have a girlfriend. Let's call her Djin. We've been hanging out since we first met like almost a month ago and she's been introducing me to her peers as her girlfriend... and darn, I just love to play along. Now that I've piqued your interest, I think I got to answer before you question... Djin and I have never really done anything naughty at all but... hmmm... I'm really looking into it. Who knows what happens when the right moment comes...?

Djin's had previous lesbo experience while I've been deeply curious about it all these time. But this got to be clear -- I am straight... just curious! For once in my life, I just want to know what it's like.

As far as Djin and I have been together, I've seen and felt the kind of relationship that I want to have... full of affection, understanding and honesty. There are times that I'd get a little impatient waiting for her (maybe, she's felt the same way too when I make her wait) but we think it too petty to quarrel about. Let's face it, this situation has been dealt by a lot of couples and some ended pretty bad. Still, I don't think I'd know what to do when I'm on it already with a real guy.

Talking about guys, no matter how much time I spend with Djin and loving every second of it, the idea of being truly in love and loved by the right guy would still invade my thoughts. And every time it creeps into my senses, there is a longing that I just couldn't ignore. But to whom can I run to? I've become too skeptical, it's a struggle to trust a guy.

Trusting Djin wasn't so difficult. Perhaps because she trusted me too with her little secrets. If there's one thing I enjoy doing with Djin, it's our chatting and sharing of opinions and experience. We do it over a plate of pizza or even a bottle of beer. Our conversation could go anywhere, no limits. But I guess, not a lot of guys like spilling their secrets eh? I think most of them prefer a sizzling 69 or a mind blowing sex than a meaningful conversation with their partner.

Uh, is it so bad of me to think that way?

I don't want to be thought of as pathetic. I mean, it's inevitable some people would think that I got myself a girlfriend because I couldn't get a guy to like me. Really, that has never been too much of a problem to me. The matter here is that the guy worth my love and trust has not come yet. I might as well live my life to the fullest and endeavor whatever there is that life has to give. Now that a girlfriend has come into my life... why not?

I hung out with Djin, Jun and his bandmates yesterday. So it's not concealed to everybody that Jun is totally smitten with my charms. A few days ago, he confessed that all his bandmates have high regard for me as well. Then last night, as the group hovered over several bottles of beer, Jun would purposely put his arms around me like I'm his, hold my hand like he'd never let me go and cuddle close to me like we're lovers.

It made me cross. I'm absolutely not liking it and I made him feel that I'm not comfortable about it. After a while, Jun's bandmate, Kirk, asked for Djin's number. Isn't he supposed to be asking for my number as well? I saw the way he looked at me with appreciation. I'm not jealous or anything... OK, Kirk's cute! But the thing here is... Kirk would've asked for my number too if Jun didn't act like this-is-my-girl--better-not-mess-with-her. Damn! Don't I just hate that? I am not Jun's girl and it is not like I'm going to be his.

I'm not putting Jun down. I'm not liking him because he's not as good-looking as Kirk. But I hate the way he deliberately gave everybody the idea that we have a thing going on between us when in fact, there isn't anything at all. I am absolutely available... not attached to anyone, worse, tied to anyone, anybody...

That eventful Wednesday dawn, Tiny and I dropped Chris before going home. Chris saw us kiss at the frontseat while Tiny drives the wheel. I knew Chris was watching but I didn't care. Let him watch as he pleases, I thought.

Friday last, Chris was also present at the gig. We both took pictures of the band that played. When we returned to our table, he asked me how I was doing. Without thinking, I told him I'm ok. He asked what's keeping me busy. Just my job, I replied. Then he flashed that bashful smile of his and asked if we can hang out some time. I was half surprised, half perplexed at the invitation. I just giggled and told him something like he's only kidding or he must be insane.

Hello?!?! He saw me and Tiny kiss!!! So why did he make a move like that?

We can pretend to be brave to conceal our fears... pretend to be smart to conceal our insecurities... pretend to be strong to conceal our weaknesses... pretend to be happy to conceal our longings. But no matter how much we pretend to conceal them, we will always be stung by the reality.

A friend sent me this message via sms. I had to post this because it was exactly what I was telling Tiny that Wednesday dawn. I guess, reality hit me hard that time. Was it really a mistake to show him the reality of my being? Or I should've bitten my lips and swallowed my rotten secrets?

But it's all done now. I can't truly say I regret what I did. I guess, I'd rather have people dislike me as long as I've been true to myself than have them like me a counterfeit.

I can't help hating myself sometimes but I so love to be my true self most of the time.

Friday came. I went to the gig. But Tiny left me under the care of his friend, Jun. Completely. I hate him. I mean, Tiny. Jun was good though. He took care of me except those little kisses he stole from me.

I don't get it. It's weird. But I'm weird myself right? And I'm OK. So... It's all going to be OK. Right?

I was told, there'll be worse than this when I turn 25. So help me, God.

I'm thinking back on those days when I didn't know what weariness and exhaustion means. No matter how hard I played under the sun, I never complained of being tired.

Those were the days when a problem is not a burden but only a puzzle to solve and the answer to my confusion can be read in a book.

I didn't know how to spell the word 'anxiety' back then. Worrying was not my hobby, only daydreaming.

And...

Love WAS given freely.

Ew! Bitter beer! I'm having a bottle now. Been having sleeping problems recently and a friend suggested I get myself a good dose of alcohol. So here I am...

As far as I can recall, this is the very first time I drank alone. For me, drinking is to have fun. I never drink when I have a problem, which reminds me a cool quote I've read somewhere before: "Don't drink to drown your problems. Remember, problems can swim." Makes a hell lot of sense, right?

It's not like I'm problematic right now and I'm in no fun mood either. I'm just hoping that after I finish this bottle, I'll be good to go and hit the sack.

Well, I don't know. I'm halfway through it...

::gulp:: Ew!

Beer does taste bitter when you drink it alone and not having fun. Good thing I've spicy prawn crackers to go along with it.

::gulp::

Whew! It's kinda getting hot in here.

::gulp gulp gulp::

Yeah, I think I'll sleep soundly after this. I might as well bid goodnight now...

Good night!

I've been thinking too much of Tiny. I last heard from him Thursday last week. He was practicing with his band mates and he told me my ballpoint's with him. I left it on the car Wednesday last. Friday and Saturday, I did not to send him any messages hoping he'll miss me. Guess, he did not... or he might just be too busy preparing for their gig come Friday. So that's another possibility. But really, I think I blew myself up that Wednesday morning he drove me home.

You see, after he shagged me in the car, he said something about my knickers that was, I felt, very disparaging. I sure was offended and my temper coupled by paranoia or however you may call it got the better of me. I slumped on my seat frowning, and then I told him I don't want to go home. Before I knew it, I was already sobbing, too afraid to go home. I was blabbering, telling him that I don't know how to explain to my folks how I got home at such an ungodly hour. Then I was spilling everything out, that I've been a bad girl, that I'm not really smart like what a lot of people think I am and God knows what else I prattled. It wasn't long until I realized the stupidity of my actions so I wiped my tears, forced a laugh and apologized. Of course, I'm just being crazy... well, I am crazy! I told him so. He said I was talking nonsense and he doesn't believe I'm everything I told him. Of course, he wouldn't. Just by looking at me, one can never tell how monstrous I am inside. But my monstrosity remains veiled for those who doesn't want to believe it. So I didn't push it and stepped out of the car gracefully.

I don't think I left a graceful impression though. Tiny hasn't been sending messages for days now. Well, he's had the fuck he had been dreaming of anyway. I'm sure he's playing his guitar now looking smug and cocky.

To hell with him for asking me if I'm falling for him! And looking as if he was hurt when I didn't answer…

Wish me luck on Friday. Forget about wearing pink. It's a black day...